I'm Going to the Jersey Shore, B*tch

Ok, let’s get real.   Actually I don’t think the word ‘real’ should be used in any sentence referring to the new MTV series The Jersey Shore.  I’ve never seen anything like it and it’s taken me a couple of weeks to figure out what I think about, which basically boils down to:  Holy Moly!    For the entire hour, the bubble above my head says:  did I just see that?

Things I have learned: 

-         New slang:  smooshing, vibing, pound out, creep (verb), blow out, poof, trashbag,

-         Booty shorts aren’t necessary meant to be worn under clothes

-         Duck phones exist

-         It’s ‘more classier’ to wear a thong bikini rather than a bra and a thong into a Jacuzzi

-         Moms need to get their tan on, too

-         Fist pumping is a dance style

-         It’s not cheating if it’s done to house music

-         How to handle it if you’ve got two potential sets of people to hook up with (escort the ‘classier’ ones out)

-         Sometimes it takes five and a half hours to get ready to go out

-         There are guys who spend 25 min. on their hair

-         Bartenders do great things

-         Lobsters are alive when you kill them (ha!)

-         The tanning salon is absolutely required, even in the summer, at the beach, in nice weather

-         Sweatpants are fashionable (sometimes tucked into boots), even in the summer, at the beach, in nice weather

-         Don’t call any of the roommates fat

-         If you can’t find your house, just sleep on the beach

-         Some girls are respectful, like real girls, human beings

-         You need to hang out with some girls a few times before they will hook up with you because they aren’t whores

-         One should aspire to be juiced up and orange

-         It makes sense to introduce someone you’ve been dating for a 2 weeks to your parents

-         Snooki is a real person

-         People will do anything to be on tv (think about this:  Snooki puncher Brad Ferro must have signed a release to appear on the show unpixilated.)

And I’m left wondering about the following: 

-         Imagine what these kids did in their auditions to be selected?

-         Do they realize they are on television (and the internet.. for the rest of time?)  They claim to be very family focused.  Do they know their families will see the show?  While I’m sure they would like to extend their 15 minutes of fame for as long as possible, someday when a potential employer or their children (because I’m sure these people will reproduce, god help the kids) will see these videos? 

-         Is there any possible circumstance where making out on the hood of a car while being filmed is going to make you look good? 

-         Is it possible JWoww got a hold of a do it yourself boob job kit?

-         Is there a 1 fight per episode minimum?  

-         Are they so daft that they will think this behavior is cool?   I’m afraid the answer is yes.   Really afraid

The show is a train wreck and doesn’t reflect well on our culture, yet I can’t turn away.  I enjoy every ridiculous minute.  I will mock these people, but the reality is this is the United States, home of freedom.  Guess what?  People are free to make buffoons of themselves.  That is their business.  What makes me really sad is not the ethnic stereotypes or the so called slur on Jersey, but that we are making celebrities of people solely because they act like idiots.  We are worshipping morons.   Why do we do that?   Is it a distraction?   Does it make us feel better about ourselves (I’m sure my health & beauty budget is 10% of DJ Pauly D’s)?    Most of all I’m sad because I can’t peel myself away from the tv. 

I’ve got to end this now because I feel like eating ham and drinking water.   Ham. 

Get sucked into the nightmare Thursdays at 10 on MTV (or pretty much any other hour of the day in repeats).